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Archive for the ‘Self-Indulgence’ Category

Linking up with The Paper Mama for her weekly photo challenge. The theme is “furry friend”. Of course I needed to put up a picture of my snoogetastic, dinosaur smoosh-face, tap-dancing kid.

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The Paper Mama

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I am from lanyard bracelets and friendship pins, from Pitfall and tins of Kraft mac-and-cheese.

I am from doo wop on the record player, Johnny Mathis crooning while the tinsel twinkled on the Christmas tree.

I am from the buzzing of cicadas during after-supper kickball games in the street, the lightning bugs at dusk while we hop fences playing Ring-a-levio.

I am from Easter brunch golf cart rides and squishy locker room floors at the pool, from dad’s plaid pants in the Corvette going to Saturday soccer games, and mom’s curly lamb chops hidden in napkins under the lip of our plates.

I am from thighs sticking to Nana’s vinyl car seats on the way to get Fribbles at Friendly’s on a hot summer day, from shag carpets and wood panelling while watching the Dark Crystal.

I am from Sunday School hymns, dried palms and unopened Bibles.

From stockinged feet in patent leather shoes in the backseat of a brown station wagon, eating Charleston Chews and sprinkled cookies while returning from church.

I’m from Long Island beaches and heaping piles of pastrami.

From tickets, golden rings and carousels at Nunley’s, and afternoon bike-riding adventures.

I’m from boat shoes with curly laces at field hockey games on blue-skied, crisp, autumn days. From soccer balls and trophies and freshly shorn fields.

I’m from sparklers and Barbies and sticker books and Keds.

I’m from home.

 

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This was a writing meme that was inspired by other bloggers this past summer, and the original source can be found here.

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On Saturday we took a long road trip from Brooklyn up to the Farm Animal Sanctuary in Woodstock, NY. Now, I haven’t eaten a bite of meat in over 5 years, and I don’t plan on eating it ever again. After reading all the books and watching all the undercover factory farm footage: I’m an educated vegetarian and incredibly passionate about animal rights. One thing I am not, though, is a nag. I won’t try to convince YOU to become a vegetarian. I won’t try to tell YOU what to eat.

The goal of this AMAZING sanctuary for injured, abused and neglected farm animals is basically to turn everyone vegan. They’re not shy about it. While we were invited to rub the bellies of GIGANTIC snoozing pigs, the volunteer repeatedly reminded everyone, “THIS IS WHERE YOUR SUNDAY HAM COMES FROM, PEOPLE!! YOU KNOW YOUR BACON? A PIG WAS BRUTALLY SLAUGHTERED FOR IT, JUST LIKE THE ONE YOU’RE LOVING UP ON!”.

It was a *little* much. In my opinion, the precious encounters we were able to have with these sweet animals would have been enough to make a person think twice about that next strip of bacon. But maybe I’m just a sucker for cuties with 4 legs.

I had a little bit of a crush on all the goats, obviously.

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For this Wordless Wednesday I linked up with the fab mamas at Live and Love… Out LoudProject AliciaMoms Own Words and Angry Julie Monday.

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I’m a huge sucker for the following things:

  • lists
  • reminiscing about high school, and
  • 90’s music
…and so another list was born. I originally only wanted to include my top 10 favorite songs from high school, but that was an epic fail. I found myself trying to be a show-off and only including the songs real music critics would think were super-cool, leaving off horrible/awesome treasures like Soul Asylum’s Runaway Train. So I went for it. No holds-barred. There are some god-awful tunes on this list, but they’re like the soundtrack of my life circa 89-93 (in almost chronological order).

1. Come on, come on. Feel it, feel it.

2. Jesus Jones- Right Here Right Now. This was on all of my field hockey jogging mixes.

3. C&C Music Factory- Gonna Make You Sweat. So terrible. So good.

4. Madonna – Vogue. No, I didn’t memorize all the dancing in this video. Not at all.

5. 

6. How badly did I want to be in En Vogue? And the intro to this song? Hot.

7. Technotronic- Pump up the Jam. 

8. Janet Jackson- Rhythm Nation. You know the hard-core dance sequence in this one? I still know it. I’m 36 (and pathetic).

9. Best. Video. Ever.

10. Digital Underground- The Humpty Dance. This was the second song played at my wedding. Seriously.

11. Color Me Badd- I Wanna Sex You Up.

12. Extreme- More Than Words. This was SO on every girl’s “sad” or “love” mix tape. Because we still made MIX TAPES.

13. Remember this one?

14. REM- Losing My Religion. OMG DYLAN AND BRENDA BREAKUP SCENE NEVER FORGET.

15. Chris Isaak- Wicked Game. For a gangly, awkward 15-year-old girl with zero boobies and zero chance of getting some: this was like the sexiest thing ever.

16. Jane’s Addiction- Been Caught Stealing. Jane’s Addiction is still a regular in my itunes.

17. Such a crush on this man…

18. Salt n Pepa- Let’s Talk About Sex. Was it embarrassing for our parents to hear us singing along to this?

19. Public Enemy- 911 is a Joke.  Git up a git git git down. 911 is a joke in yo town.

20. Ce Ce Peniston – Finally. Kind of the same as C&C Music Factory, right?

21. Was Stevie B just a Long Island thing?

22. Damn Yankees- High Enough. 

23. Skid Row- I Remember You.

24. Tesla- Signs.

25. Black Sheep- The Choice is Yours. The third song played at my wedding (after Humpty Dance). That’s how much I loved it.

26. Pearl Jam- Alive. Totally reminds me of riding around on my friend’s boat. I feel like this was always blasting.

27. Kriss Kross- Jump. When some clearly insane Spanish teachers from my high school decided to take 50 juniors and seniors to Spain one break, this was the song I remember the most.

28. Tag Team- Whomp There it is.

29. 

30. 

31. House of Pain- Jump Around. Hands down the song of senior year.

32. Wreckx n Effect- Rump Shaker. I don’t even have a rump. Seriously, I never have. Flattest booty ever.

33. Because the scene where everyone sprays their forties on that uppity b*tch is pretty amazing.

34. Soul Asylum- Runaway Train. I saw a concert at Jones Beach with Soul Asylum, Screaming Trees and….

35. The Spin Doctors- Two Princes. Oy vey.

36. Dee Lite- Groove is in the Heart. Who doesn’t love this song?

37. Sir Mix A Lot- Baby Got Back. Again, with the butts. Poor, poor flat-assed young me. No back at all.

38. Nirvana- Smells Like Teen Spirit. ANGST! GRUNGE! My signature outfit senior year was a flannel, cut-off jean shorts with tights under them and my doc martens. Like an Angela Chase wanna-be.

39. 

40. Naughty By Nature- O.P.P.

41. Sophie B. Hawkins- Damn, Wish I Was Your Lover. You know you used to sing along to this. Don’t lie.

42. Cypress Hill- Insane in the Brain. I was with my mom when I bought this cassette single and made her listen to it on the way home. She must have been thrilled.

43. Tribe Called Quest- Scenario. So, so good.

44. Now this… THIS is a Long Island thing.

45. Red Hot Chili Peppers- Suck My Kiss.

46. Shabba!

47. TLC- Ain’t Too Proud to Beg. While I had a ton of records and tapes, THIS was my very first cd purchase.

48. 10,000 Maniacs- These Are Days. 

49. Porno For Pyros- Pets. We’ll make great pets.

50. Beck- Loser. This was independently released right around graduation. It felt like an anthem.

Fin!

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Pffffffffft.

That pretty much sums up the past week or two. You know that feeling? When the cards just don’t seem to fall in your favor… again and again and again?

Some of the drama is real, like putting my cat to sleep last week. That blew.

Some of the drama is of the ridiculously minor, somebody call a wahmbulance, variety of nonsense: like getting stopped at not one, but two drawbridges; barely surviving a few mornings with shitty coffee; getting 2 parking tickets and having 3 baking fails. First world problems. I’m ashamed I’m even mentioning them.

Some of it is totally absurd, like this never-ending fluttering I have in my left ear that has me CONVINCED there is a moth living in there. Shut up! It can happen! Odds are it’s probably a dog hair, since Lotte has been living with one of Carson’s hairs in her ear for about 6 months now. Yeah, I said it: MY KID HAS HAD A DOG HAIR IN HER EAR FOR 6 MONTHS. Her pediatrician swears it’s not affecting her at all and will just fall out on its own. Excellent! Nice. Fucking. Parenting.

Some of the drama, though, is legitimately freaking me out. A few weeks ago I made 2 doctors appointments: one to get the all-clear to make babies again, and the other to find out why my hair has been falling out. For the past 6 months I’ve had a ton of hair loss. Nothing noticeable: it’s not like I have a head full of bald patches and frizz and look like some sort of crazy hoarder with messy, overstuffed closets and children with animal hair in their ears. Nothing like that! You know how women lose some hair after they give birth? It’s like that, but never-ending. My ponytail is super thin, and, well, let’s face it: the hypochondriac in me is screaming “YOU’RE GOING BALD! YOU’RE DYING! YOU HAVE SOME INSANE BACTERIAL HAIR-SHEDDING WORM LIVING IN YOUR SCALP EATING THROUGH YOUR SKULL!!”.

The dermatologist, a MAN, might I add, took one half-assed look at my scalp, gave my hair a few tugs and said, “Eh, looks fine to me. Probably just seasonal. Call me if it gets worse.”.  Even after assuring him that I had easily lost 50% of my (very thick) hair in 6 months and it was pretty worrisome and damaging to my self-esteem (and WHAT ABOUT THE BACTERIAL HAIR-SHEDDING SKULL EATING WORM?!?): he was WAY more into my freckles and moles. I’m pretty fair-skinned. While I now wear sunscreen almost every day, when I was a teenager I was a little more lax about it (ie: Coppertone oil).

Before I knew it I was lying face-down and he was scooping some wayward freckle off the middle of my back to send off for a biopsy. So now I was going to be a frizzy-haired hoarder with bald patches, messy, overstuffed closets AND skin cancer? Perfect. The biopsy results would be back in a week and they’d call me.

Two days later I went to the baby doctor to find out if my lady parts are good to go (meanwhile, I now have a nasty open hole in my back which my husband has to clean twice a day. Sexy!). He tells me everything looks good (TMI?), but just to be sure he wants to send me for a sonogram of my left ovaries and get some blood work. Knowing that I’m a seasoned Dr. of Google and WebMD and he can’t get anything past me, my doc mutters about the sonogram while walking out the door in order to avoid my 9000 questions. I hear him whisper to the nurse to draw blood and test my thyroid (could explain the hair sitch), beta and rubella. RUBELLA?!? The nurse hardly has the door open before I’m all “He seriously thinks I could have RUBELLA?! Like, the mumps?! WHAT?!”. She just shrugged her shoulders and told me to lay down and make a fist (I’m a fainter.). The results would be ready in a week. So now I was going to be a frizzy-haired hoarder with bald patches, messy overstuffed closets, skin cancer, RUBELLA and what? What’s wrong with my stupid left ovary? WAS IT THE BACTERIAL HAIR-SHEDDING SKULL EATING WORM?! Had he traveled down to my ovaries? Fuck.

A week later I called for the sonogram and blood work results. They didn’t have them. 10 days later I called: they’re on the doctor’s desk and he’ll call me. Two week mark comes: they’re still on the doctor’s desk. No word. I could have perished from rubella by now. WTF? Worst doctor ever. It’s almost been 3 weeks and I still haven’t heard my grim fate.

Last Tuesday, though, JUST as I was walking out the door to drive to Long Island to put my cat to sleep, the dermatologist called. Two weeks had passed, and I had kind of assumed no news was good news. Not so much. The biopsy results showed a severe Dysplastic Nevus. He rambled on and on with a bunch of technical jargon until I finally interrupted him to simply ask, “Wait, WAIT a second… do I have cancer?”. The answer was no, but it is considered “pre-cancerous”, and they have to scoop out a lot of the tissue surrounding it and send THAT off to get biopsied, and it does mean I am more likely to get skin cancer at some point than people with negative biopsies. It’s a terrifying warning for me to shelve the bikinis and buy some tunics. Or muumuus. Or probably full-body armor… because balding women with messy closets, rubella and busted ovaries wearing full-body armor are super hot.

So that’s what’s been going on.

At least I have this:

Thank GAWD for the sweet kid (despite dog hair in her ear), lattes, chocolate croissants and little pink ponies.

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The following heartfelt, deep, DEEP awesomeness has been directly transcribed from an essay I wrote when I was 10 on the first day of school. Lest you think I’m lying, take a look:

Remember when you wrote in script like that? No wonder I won every handwriting award known to man when I was 10. I mean, hello? Look at that OCD gorgeousness. Lately I use an actual writing implement so rarely that when I do I feel all Barney Rubble and make little chicken scratch squiggles. Anyway, without further ado, here is how I described myself circa 85′:

An Introduction to Me

      I was born in Baldwin at 11:30 at night on July 22. I was a fat baby. My mother said even though I was fat I was quieter than my sister.

      My sister, Heather, is sixteen and in the eleventh grade. My mother doesn’t work; she just takes care of the house. She also sometimes joins the P.T.A. here or at the high school. My father works for Revlon, the makeup company. He is the head of Personnel.

      I love Math and Spelling. But I hate everything else. Gym and Art are my favorite periods. I hate Music. ILC is not my favorite but I like it. Computer Lab isn’t so great, either.

      I love to play soccer. I am on the Baldwin Girls 75-76 travel team. My dad is the coach. We’re called the Baldwin Wildcats. I play center forward. Our first game is against the Wantagh Panthers.

      My hobby is collecting stickers. I had a perfect 1,000 stickers but I stuck them all over my notebooks. I love to watch T.V. When I watch it I can’t be taken away from it.

      My goal for this year is to be in the Spelling Bee. Last year we had a spelling contest. The last two people out were in it. I was close. I think I told you enough about me.

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Here’s a list of all the things I will most definitely accomplish this summer. Luxurious summer homes in the Hamptons and exquisite meals in Michelin Star restaurants be damned! I’m a simple gal. On your mark, get set, go.

  1. Shower every single day.
  2. Go to the bathroom without a 3-year-old talking to me through the door.
  3. Stop housing all the Cheddar Bunnies.
  4. Refrain from picking at all of LJ’s beige dinner leftovers.
  5. Eat something other than LJ’s PB&J crust for lunch.
  6. Relish the fact that the kid doesn’t know she can get out of her bed anytime she wants.
  7. Stop singing the theme to Miss Spider’s Sunny Patch friends.
  8. Put my head in the oven if I start rapping the tunes from Bubble Guppies any more than I already am.
  9. Read an entire issue of US Weekly while sitting at the beach.
  10. Accomplish #9 while at the beach, ALONE.
  11. Read 5 new books other than the Pinkalicious series.
  12. Turn off the tv during the day.
  13. Refrain from letting LJ watch the entire Toy Story trilogy in one sitting.
  14. Stop asking the kid “Do you have to go tinkle?” every twenty minutes.
  15. Remember to bring a drink and snack to the playground for ME- no more stealing her juiceboxes.
  16. Bring sand toys to the playground every time- no more ghetto plastic spoons and bottle caps.
  17. Stop trying to pressure LJ to master the scooter.
  18. Stop pressuring LJ to go down the slide.
  19. Start being grateful that my kid is timid and careful and sweet as a peach.
  20. Go on at least 4 dates with my husband.
  21. Spend a weekday morning at the MOMA by myself.
  22. Spend a weekday morning at the Guggenheim by myself.
  23. Dye my hair blonde again. Brown makes me cranky.
  24. See college friends I haven’t seen since 1997.
  25. Have drinks, go to the movies, laugh my ass off with some girlfriends.
  26. Go to the Farmer’s Market EVERY Saturday.
  27. Don’t let all the farmer’s market greens wilt and turn squiggly in the fridge. Cook them.
  28. Drink more fun cocktails, less beer and wine.
  29. Get takeout only once a week.
  30. Spend a day out on the North Fork (LI).
  31. Get a pie from Briermere farms.
  32. Bake more pies.
  33. Start making my own pasta.
  34. Make ice cream.
  35. Go to the gym more due to all the pies, pasta and ice cream.
  36. Smother LJ with more kisses, even when she’s sweaty, covered in sunscreen and coated in sand like a chicken cutlet.
  37. Try to make a baby.
  38. Take the dog for more long walks so she stops wigging out.
  39. Repaint the closet door that the 4-legged psychopath has scratched to bits in fits of anxious mania.
  40. Stop forgetting to buy the fancy organic dog food and feeding her Cheerios instead.
  41. Sweep the mountains of dog hair that waft past me every day.
  42. Give that furry stinkbutt more baths. Or, at least one.
  43. Start actually doing the yoga on the Wii that we bought for THAT purpose.
  44. Have more all-day picnics in the park.
  45. Fly a kite successfully for the FIRST time in my life.
  46. Go peach and berry picking.
  47. Milk a cow somewhere. Or, well, at least SEE a cow.
  48. WATER THE DAMN PLANTS! (What is with my aversion to helping plants not die?)
  49. Go visit a special friend in Massachusetts, even though I hate the Patriots, Red Sox, Celtics and Bruins.
  50. Cherish the awesomeness that is my tiny family.
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Linking up with Mama Kat and her writing prompt!

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