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Archive for the ‘Wanna-Be Martha’ Category

Dreary morning art projects

*All taken with my iphone: hence the fuzz.

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Every year, without fail, I excitedly go to a local garden center on a super sunny day in spring and load up on plants for my stoop. Every year, without fail, I end up with a charred, crusty tangle of brown twigs within a month. It’s not like I choose bratty, difficult to maintain plants: I pick out the same stupid flowers as everyone else in my neighborhood. Impatiens. Geraniums. Pansies. Simple “you have to be a moron to kill” potted plants. Apparently I’m a moron. I even had to google the difference between perennial, biennial and annual (and I still don’t really understand what they mean, or what you’re supposed to do with the charred, crusty tangle of brown twigs).

Similar to my desire to pickle, sew and churn butter: I yearn to become some sort of kick-ass urban farmer/gardener. With no backyard, I obviously can’t get chickens. We do have a front yard that gets full sun, but when I think about planting veggies there, even in containers, I get skeeved. What about rats? I mean, I’ve never ever actually SEEN a rat in my neighborhood, but this is NYC. There HAVE to be rats lurking around somewhere, right? Who wants zucchini that may have been touched by RATS? Or, I don’t know, what if some drunk crazy person pees on them while stumbling down my block. Pissy rat zucchini. No, thanks.

Still steadfast in my quest, I decided to try planting herbs, in containers, for our walkway/stoop area. The lady at the garden center SWEARS they won’t die the second I touch them.  Uh huh. We’ll see. At least I had some lovely company, even though LJ ate almost all the chives already.

(Please note the dead stubs in the planter.)

Sorry, dudes. I love you, but you don’t stand a chance.

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There just something about spring that makes me want to make things. I want to sew. I want to knit. I want to make a thousand loaves of bread. I want to pickle things, plant herbs and sew little dresses for LJ. I am the next Martha Stewart, hear me embroider. I mean, look at my kick-ass crafty library!

Dreamy, isn’t it? Yeah, I’ve used 4 of them. The rest have been dog-eared for over a year. I think about making things, but then get so overwhelmed by all the awesomeness that I end up making nothing. I’m like a scatterbrained, A.D.D., impatient Ma Ingalls. I’m not pickling shit… but I’ve got the jars! My husband is not wearing sweaters knit by these hands… but I’ve got a nice collection of bamboo needles!

Truth be told: LJ did have a few cute pillowcase dresses last year, and I did sew her some felt food for her kitchen and a few plushies. I also cut up a bunch of her newborn onsies and made her a tiny quilt a year ago:

Since she deemed her big kid comforter from Ikea to be “too squishy”, this is actually what she snuggles with every night in her toddler bed. I woke up this morning, well-rested and invigorated by the warm weather and last night’s thunderstorms, and decided it was time for a new quilt. Tearing into my gargantuan craft box proved to be quite the buzz kill, though, because I was confronted with all my A.D.D-ness. Like this:

That would be a stack of fabric being pieced together for the king-sized quilt I started last year at around the same time. Pfffft. Clearly I lost focus. I know! I’ll keep it out. Maybe if I just let it sit on the dining room table for a few weeks, making my husband completely insane, I’ll be inspired to finish it! I won’t forget about it. I might be served divorce papers, but at least I’ll have a huge quilt. Then there’s this:

This is the scarf that I’ve been working on FOR A YEAR. After taking a local knitting class last March, I became convinced that by winter LJ would be wearing ONLY sweaters I had knit by hand. There would be no need to shop. I’d even knit everyone socks. This is the ONLY thing I’ve made. It’s not that I don’t enjoy knitting, I do! The whole knit knit purl purl repetition is super soothing, and sates my O.C.D. crazies… but knitting a scarf?  It’s SO f*cking BOOORRIIING. I should have started with a hat, or a baby mitten: something more instantly gratifying. This unfinished project will join the stack of quilt fabric on the dining room table. Again, if it’s in my face, I’ll finish it. (Shh! I will!)

Really though, maybe it’s not me. Maybe, just maybe I COULD be a pickling, crocheting, toy designing seamstress** if I didn’t have these two snooges in my face all the time:

Yep. It’s totally THEIR fault.

**(By the way, I can’t even THINK of the word seamstress without thinking of Rose’s beady-eyed mother in Titanic saying, “Do you want to see me working as a seamstress?… To see all your fine things sold at auction?”)

***(Hey, I did say I was a little scatterbrained…)

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