Last year, after learning about pirates, buried treasure and treasure maps and spending weeks squinting one eye and growling “Aaargh!”, LJ painted her own treasure chest. I explained to her that she should only keep her most prized possessions in the box, the things that are the most special to her.
The contents of the chest have varied throughout the year, and sneaking a peek is like sneaking a peek into her 3-year-old insanely random and adorable mind. She’s pretty possessive and secretive about the box, so I tiptoed into her room while she was napping the other day to check out the latest treasures.
Naturally, any kid’s most prized possessions would include:
A wind-up pumpkin head
That knee-tapper thing from the doctor’s kit
Mr. Potato Head’s glasses and only ONE ear
Some yellow bit from the Tinkertoys
One ponytail holder
The flower that broke off of some cheap, solar-powered dancing daisy
One red jewel – that’s been in the box from day 1.
Some medallion that broke off her Tinkerbell dress – also in the box from day 1.
A disgusting, wiggly pink dinosaur she named Squaggily Boggily, and
A bunch of seashells and coral from Mexico and the beaches here in NY
What are your kid’s favorite things? I know we’re not the only home with a well-loved, 25-cent Squaggily Boggily.
On Saturday we took a long road trip from Brooklyn up to the Farm Animal Sanctuary in Woodstock, NY. Now, I haven’t eaten a bite of meat in over 5 years, and I don’t plan on eating it ever again. After reading all the books and watching all the undercover factory farm footage: I’m an educated vegetarian and incredibly passionate about animal rights. One thing I am not, though, is a nag. I won’t try to convince YOU to become a vegetarian. I won’t try to tell YOU what to eat.
The goal of this AMAZING sanctuary for injured, abused and neglected farm animals is basically to turn everyone vegan. They’re not shy about it. While we were invited to rub the bellies of GIGANTIC snoozing pigs, the volunteer repeatedly reminded everyone, “THIS IS WHERE YOUR SUNDAY HAM COMES FROM, PEOPLE!! YOU KNOW YOUR BACON? A PIG WAS BRUTALLY SLAUGHTERED FOR IT, JUST LIKE THE ONE YOU’RE LOVING UP ON!”.
It was a *little* much. In my opinion, the precious encounters we were able to have with these sweet animals would have been enough to make a person think twice about that next strip of bacon. But maybe I’m just a sucker for cuties with 4 legs.
I had a little bit of a crush on all the goats, obviously.
Why is it when my husband goes away on business trips I become convinced that one of the following will definitely happen:
The apartment will go up in flames while we’re sleeping. Probably because I forgot to check that the toaster was unplugged the usual 24 times.
LJ, fur-child and I will all succumb to carbon monoxide poisoning.
A creepy, murderous crazy person will bust into our apartment through the roof door.
Some insane person will swoop into LJ’s room in the middle of the night and whisk her off to some far-away land where she will fetch a hefty price on the black market.
The thing is, when my husband IS here and we experience the occasional middle of the night “WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT NOISE?! OMGGOCHECK!!” freak out moments: I’m usually the one to go fight off the killer rapist in the kitchen with the pointy horn of LJ’s unicorn doll. I’m the crime fighting mama-bear. Pete usually stays in the bedroom “protecting the dog”. My lab, by the way, couldn’t care LESS if we were being robbed. While my bat ears hear every thump in the building, causing me to launch out of bed in supreme freak-out mode: Carson is all, “Huh? (Yawn)” as she resumes snoring and chasing dream squirrels.
So why do I morph into the helpless damsel in distress when he’s away? Most of the time, my fears are completely irrational. Like the black market bit: that probably won’t happen. I’m sure I won’t have to pull a Macgyver and fashion some sort of massive Moby wrap out of a bedsheet that can hold the dog AND kid while I shimmy out the second story window in a fire. No, I haven’t thought about that awesome plan at ALL.
I know I’m not alone in the irrational fears, though. All you need is a vivid imagination to freak yourself the f*ck OUT when you’re home alone. Case in point: my mother. 1993.
When I was a senior in high school, my parents hit a rough patch in their relationship, and for a very brief period of time my father was living in the next town. My sister, who was about 22 at the time, mom and I were trucking along in our usual routines, just sans a man in the house. Late one weekend night, when my friends pulled up to drop me off after a night of drinking wine coolers in various parking lots in town, I noticed the living room light was on and you could see the back of my mother’s head silhouetted in the window. When you’re a teenager that is never, EVER a good sign. I entered the house, walked up the stairs to the living room and found my mother AND sister both sitting on the couch looking panic-stricken at 1am. Cue 17-year-old  (buzzed) heart beating out of my chest as I try to imagine what I did to deserve this insane intervention-like meeting. The following conversation (more or less) took place:
Mom: Tracy, sit down. We want to talk to you about something.
Me: ….Okay. (Shitting in my pants. Did she find my Parliaments? Fuck!)
Mom: Now I don’t want you to get upset….
Me: … Okay. (I’m. DEAD. My life is over.)
Mom: …but we’re a little afraid that someone may have tried to break into the house.
Me: Huh?
Mom: We’re a little afraid that someone may have tried to break into the house, and they put THIS picture through the front mail-slot as some kind of warning. (She slid the following picture across the coffee table.)
Me: Wait, Ice Cube?
Mom: OH MY GOD YOU KNOW HIM? Why would he put a picture through our mail slot?!
Me: Why would WHO put a picture through our mail slot? Ice Cube?
Mom: Â WHO IS HE?!?
Me: He’s a rapper!! Are you INSANE??!?
Mom: Are you sure? You mean it’s your picture?
Me: It probably fell out of my backpack or from one of my magazines or something. You mean you SERIOUSLY thought a robber would give you a PICTURE OF HIMSELF before he robbed you? You thought Ice Cube was some stalker that was trying to break into our stupid house? Â (Dying laughing at this point. Almost crying.)
Mom: (clearly embarrassed) Ok, that’s enough. I was afraid. Never mind. Now, go to bed!
Clearly overactive imaginations and the inclination to expect doom and horror around every corner run in my family.
Also, poor Ice Cube.
***P.S. In no way, shape or form is (or was) my mother racist. It bums me out that I even have to comment on that.***
…and so another list was born. I originally only wanted to include my top 10 favorite songs from high school, but that was an epic fail. I found myself trying to be a show-off and only including the songs real music critics would think were super-cool, leaving off horrible/awesome treasures like Soul Asylum’s Runaway Train. So I went for it. No holds-barred. There are some god-awful tunes on this list, but they’re like the soundtrack of my life circa 89-93 (in almost chronological order).
1. Come on, come on. Feel it, feel it.
2. Jesus Jones- Right Here Right Now. This was on all of my field hockey jogging mixes.
3. C&C Music Factory- Gonna Make You Sweat. So terrible. So good.
4. Madonna – Vogue. No, I didn’t memorize all the dancing in this video. Not at all.
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6. How badly did I want to be in En Vogue? And the intro to this song? Hot.
7. Technotronic- Pump up the Jam.Â
8. Janet Jackson- Rhythm Nation. You know the hard-core dance sequence in this one? I still know it. I’m 36 (and pathetic).
9. Best. Video. Ever.
10. Digital Underground- The Humpty Dance. This was the second song played at my wedding. Seriously.
11. Color Me Badd- I Wanna Sex You Up.
12. Extreme- More Than Words. This was SO on every girl’s “sad” or “love” mix tape. Because we still made MIX TAPES.
13. Remember this one?
14. REM- Losing My Religion. OMG DYLAN AND BRENDA BREAKUP SCENE NEVER FORGET.
15. Chris Isaak- Wicked Game. For a gangly, awkward 15-year-old girl with zero boobies and zero chance of getting some: this was like the sexiest thing ever.
16. Jane’s Addiction- Been Caught Stealing. Jane’s Addiction is still a regular in my itunes.
17. Such a crush on this man…
18. Salt n Pepa- Let’s Talk About Sex. Was it embarrassing for our parents to hear us singing along to this?
19. Public Enemy- 911 is a Joke. Â Git up a git git git down. 911 is a joke in yo town.
20. Ce Ce Peniston – Finally. Kind of the same as C&C Music Factory, right?
21. Was Stevie B just a Long Island thing?
22. Damn Yankees- High Enough.Â
23. Skid Row- I Remember You.
24. Tesla- Signs.
25. Black Sheep- The Choice is Yours. The third song played at my wedding (after Humpty Dance). That’s how much I loved it.
26. Pearl Jam- Alive. Totally reminds me of riding around on my friend’s boat. I feel like this was always blasting.
27. Kriss Kross- Jump. When some clearly insane Spanish teachers from my high school decided to take 50 juniors and seniors to Spain one break, this was the song I remember the most.
28. Tag Team- Whomp There it is.
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31. House of Pain- Jump Around. Hands down the song of senior year.
32. Wreckx n Effect- Rump Shaker. I don’t even have a rump. Seriously, I never have. Flattest booty ever.
33. Because the scene where everyone sprays their forties on that uppity b*tch is pretty amazing.
34. Soul Asylum- Runaway Train. I saw a concert at Jones Beach with Soul Asylum, Screaming Trees and….
35. The Spin Doctors- Two Princes. Oy vey.
36. Dee Lite- Groove is in the Heart. Who doesn’t love this song?
37. Sir Mix A Lot- Baby Got Back. Again, with the butts. Poor, poor flat-assed young me. No back at all.
38. Nirvana- Smells Like Teen Spirit. ANGST! GRUNGE! My signature outfit senior year was a flannel, cut-off jean shorts with tights under them and my doc martens. Like an Angela Chase wanna-be.
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40. Naughty By Nature- O.P.P.
41. Sophie B. Hawkins- Damn, Wish I Was Your Lover. You know you used to sing along to this. Don’t lie.
42. Cypress Hill- Insane in the Brain. I was with my mom when I bought this cassette single and made her listen to it on the way home. She must have been thrilled.
43. Tribe Called Quest- Scenario. So, so good.
44. Now this… THIS is a Long Island thing.
45. Red Hot Chili Peppers- Suck My Kiss.
46. Shabba!
47. TLC- Ain’t Too Proud to Beg. While I had a ton of records and tapes, THIS was my very first cd purchase.
48. 10,000 Maniacs- These Are Days.Â
49. Porno For Pyros- Pets. We’ll make great pets.
50. Beck- Loser. This was independently released right around graduation. It felt like an anthem.
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